...all time favourites...

music plays an important part in my life. sometimes, when the lyrics related very closely to my experiences, that particular song will mean something to me. =)

breakaway

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and
I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

Perfect

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

it is not the full verison of each song. just some verses which i love the most. =) what are your songs then?

"be the special one to everyone"

...thinking...

how time flies. there are so many changes within this short period that i have spent on earth. why do students always labelled their major stages in life when they had major exams to take in the year? like primary 6, secondary4, jc 2 and blah blah. why must we always remind ourselves of the torturous year that we had busy mugging for a A during exams? my surroundings have changed. people come in and out of my life. some werejust sperficial, while the others made an impact on my life. i am glad that there are still some leaving footprints in my life. thanks guys!

maybe i have changed over the years, maybe i have not. have i matured and grew up these few years? what have i really accomplished these years which i am very proud of still? have i made an equal impact on others' lives as they had done so on mine? did i well-spent these few years?

suddenly, i am feeling depressed. i walked past an old lady on my way home today. it struck me that why didn't i bother to smile at her? why did i walk past her as if she did not exist at all? am i being unfeeling here? i will age one day and be like her. will my children even bother about me then?

i have tried my best and i failed again and again. it is making me to lose my confidence in myself. i start to question my ability.

my thoughts are in a mess. btw, happy thinking day to all guides, ex-guides out there.

"i cannot quit"

...set to go...

i was praying for rain yesterday and i guessed mine, or rather everyone's prayers were heard and there was a downpour this afternoon. went to pastamania at cineleisure to have lunch with s14. ate the buddy meal with goi and the banana pizza dessert rocks totally. everyone, go grab a friend and pig out at pastamania for the banana pizza dessert! we chatted, laughed and watched many new movie trailers. hahaz... i am going to watch the jap animation and the cartoon about the zebra, lion and many other animals. it was damn hilarious.

going to spore indoor stadium to celebrate guides' thinking day with all the guides, brownies, guiders, unit helpers and YAs tmr. i hope it will be fun. hahaz... how i miss the thinking day song. =) it's C-H-I-N-G-A-Y tmr. so exciting... i remembered last year's chingay fell on my 17th birthday cos i went onto the streets along orchard road with my sec4 classmates. the festive mood is in the air. i guess me and jiefang will be trying our luck at the parade tmr. yeah!!!! i have not gone on a date with her for a long long long time. there is soooo many things i want to tell her. ahhh.... cannot wait, cannot wait.

i love white backgrounds!!! if u realise that i have been using white bcakgrounds for my blog templates for quite sometime already. =) it gives me a clean, fresh and happy mood. =D

"spend every moment of your life as if it is your last"

...rain, rain come again...

how i hope rain can keep falling on my head happen to me these days. i miss the smell, the sound of rain. i miss walking in the rain. i miss running to the nearest shelter i can find when a storm arrives. finally, after school today, it rained! yeah! if i am not wrong, i had not seen rain for more than a month because one of my rv juniors mentioned that it had not rained for 23 days a week before dejavu. however, i do not think the rain was of much help to cool singapore down. i was soaking in my sweat just by crossing the overhead bridge to the bus stop from nj. it is that humid. as the bus driver drove along the road, i realised that the road was dry. so it means it only rained at nj,nanyang area. =( why is it not raining at the clementi area???

vday aka friendship day was normal. love was not in the air. i bought presents for my friends and went out with my RV girlfriends after school. it's was a simple and short gathering. though it's troublesome to search vday presents for friends, i like making others happy. =)

maths is a mad rush recently. ms ling had been rushing through 2 tutorials within 3 lessons. i had not choice but to do maths and more maths everyday. arghh... and i hate integration!!!! luckily, the rush for maths is over beacuse today is my last maths tutorial for the week. celebrate... BUT, i have tons and tons of tests, quizes next week. phys quiz, chem test, maths test, chem spa... and piles and piles of tutorials and assignments to complete during the weekend. i need to catch my breath. btw, the present econs lecturer is soooooooo funny. i could not stop laughing during his first lecture a few days back. hahaz...

we played an hour of captain's ball during civis on last wed. it's a wrong decision to play sports in the full ugly grey uniform. it could not absorb the sweat and it was freaking hot. as usual, ms ling wanted us to build up our class spirit. it will be great if a class is united but i feel that it's too late to talk about such things now. we are left with less than 365days together as a class. if class spirit needs to be built up, it has to depend on all the individuals in the class. no matter how hard she tries to make us work as a team, if we are unwilling to try, we will be back to square.

goi, fish and i have something up our sleeves. hahaz... but i am NOT going to reveal a tiny weeny bit of our plot. hahaz.. i wonder when will it be carried out. and bird and i are still amused by my double joke joke. hahaz... as for the rest, they think it's either lame or not funny at all. =( how sad. nvm... bird is called joke and i am joke. when the 2 of us come together, we are joke joke. =)

is my life becoming a routine soon? i hope not. let's spice up my life!!! but with what? i don't know. i am still looking, hunting, waiting for a miracle to happen. =D

"i can make it one day if i believe it"

...house visiting...

today i went on house visiting with 04s16. something worths mentioning is only miche was late today. and she was late by only 10 minutes. the others were either early or on the dot(like me!). it's very rare because some people are always late when we go out as a class. all thanks to our "punishment" which is the latecomer has to treat everyone a drink. we should practise that often. =D

so our first stop was my house. we were teasing those who did not bring oranges that they would have to stand outside my house the whole day. hahaz... like hengqing. my dad started sharing his keeping fish hobby with them and they seemed to be very fantasized by him. hahaz.. that's my dad, a collector. and they commented that my room is very messy. hahaz.. cannot be helped. i have too many junk in my room. =D

then we went to my partner's aka xiaozhi's house. both her sisters are very beautiful. but i think that her elder sister is prettier. anyway, hq is interested in the younger one. hahaz... jus kidding.. and our dearest tiong lost his wallet. =( hope that things are fine.

did you guys watch the disney cartoon animination of mulan?? well, i fell in love with the movie and the theme song, my reflection. hahaz... i think it is a very meaningful show, about a girl wanting to bring honour and lory to her family. hmm...

Look at me

You may think you see

Who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day It's as if I play a part

Now I see If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

I am now

In a world where I

Have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

What's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection

Someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that

I'm Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be

Free to fly

That burns with a need to know

The reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm

Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

"be brave and stand strong"

...chinese new year...

let's scream everyone!!!! it's finally the chinese new year!!! i am sooooo happy. i always love cny because it's a time for me to get together with my family, the yummy goodies for me to eat and grow fat and getting angbao... yeah!!! so happy...

i just had my reunion dinner with my family. yummy, especially the sharkfin soup that my mum prepared. she rocks!!!! i helped my mum to paint both her toe nails and finger nails for the first time in my 18 years. hahaz... i can open a nail art shop soon. =D

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to everyone out there!!! have fun and smile... =D

"what's a double joke?"

ANS: joke joke

...shall we dance...

this is the second movie i had watched this week. but i did not regret any of my choices because both movies rock!! i went to catch shall we dance with pee today. it's a romantic comedy about his guy, john clark, searching for something that is missing in his life. he did something that he would never do in his life which was to learn ballroom dancing. initially i feel that he joined the dancing classes because he was captivated by the beautiful lady, Paulina, who always stared out of the window blankly whenever his train passed by the dance school. gradually, he fell in love with dancing and his friendship with paulina blossomed. =)

it's great to have something in life that one is passionate about. it motivates and drives one to strive and do one's best. at least, it is better than spending your life aimlessly in this dull, hectic and money-minded society. at least john had something to look forward to on every wednesday night, 730pm. =)

his wife got suspicious of him and thought he had an affair outside due to his late wednesday nights because he did not tell his wife anything about his dancing classes. i think he was wrong to do that. no matter what, he must be willing to share his life with his wife. keeping secrets and not being honest to each other will only worsen the relationship.

there is something that his wife mentioned in the movie aboout marriage. she asked the private detective why do people get married? his answer was because they are passionate about each other. but her explanation nearly blew me away. people get married so that there is one person to witness his/her life. hence, he/she will not be living insignificantly among the billions and billions of humans in the world. i agree with her to a large extent. we all want to be showered with love, care and concern from our loved ones. basically is to be noticed by them right?

let's live our life with a new purpose in the new year. hahaz... chinese new year is coming soon. i am so excited. i cannot wait to receive red packets and pig out on the chinese new year goodies. yummy...

"your life will not go un-witnessed because i will be your witness"

...hotel rwanda...

my gp tutor asked me twice, what is worse - the nature or war? in my mind, the answer has always been the same. this movie proved my stand further today.

any form of war can never be worse than civil war. it is an internal war within a country. it's freaks me out thinking the next morning when i woke up, my used-to-be friendly neighbour would be chasing after my life because we belonged to different ethnic groups. many years of friendship and peace that had been built based on the foundation of trust and respect were gone because they could not accept the differences between them. what was worse was the media in Rwanda was encouraging the Hutu to kill all the Tutsi. what was the world becoming to? how could one possible encourage another to take away innocent lives because they do not belong to the same ethnic group??!!! how could they bear the heart to kill their fellow countrymen who were their family, friends, or even neighbours? where had all the national education (if they have) and the propaganda gone to?

the government and external forces failed to maintain peace within Rwanda. they were unable or refused to send help to Rwanda because they were black. what a ridiculous reason! i hate the white superiority. have not they learnt from their lessons that they should STOP thinking that the other races are inferior to them? the whites were actually able to return to their country from Rwanda safe and sound because their countries were only willing to help their own country people and not sent help to save the blacks. the movie showed a scene which the UN actually allowed a dog to board the bus to drive them to the international airport while the blacks were standing at the entrance of the hotel, staring helplessly at the buses. it is trying to imply that the blacks were worse than a beast. why were they drawing such a clear line between the different races in the world. we are all humans!! they would rather save a dog than a human. what were they thinking of???!!!

besides, corruption filled the air in Rwanda. the lead aka the hero, Paul Rusesabagina had to bribe the officials who came to his hotel so that he would receive help from them when he needed them. he had to stuff money and all the valuables to the Hutu general in order to save his neighbours, of some were tutsi. he was able to accept the tutsi as friends, so why could not the others do so too? one of his hutu friends, whom i believed was one of the leaders of the civil strife actually tempted him to join the hutu rebel forces so that he could save his family since his wife was a tutsi, so she maybe killed by the hutu one day if they captured her. he even tricked him to take the back route back to the hotel because he claimed that the route was safe. the way back to hotel was bumpy but he could not see where he was heading to as the air was misty. he only found out the truth when he got off the van and to his horror, he saw millions of bodies lying on the road. the hutu had carried out their massive killings at the village.

as i said, he was the hero of the movie. together with one of the UN officials, he brought everyone at the hotel, both tutsi and hutu, about 800 of them to the UN camp at the boarders. they were saved but they suffered great losses, emtionally and physically. they lost their property, family members, friends, everything that they had built in Rwanda. they needed to recover and be able to stand up again. all these required courage. however, it took paul a even greater courage to risk his own life to save people whom he did not know and may put his life and his family's lives at risk.

once again, i did not cry during the movie though i have to admit it was a super touching movie that moved many to tears. as quoted from zhai, i am a stone. =D

btw, shan is back in singapore. yeah!!! we went out today to meet up and chit chat and then only me and zhai went to watch the movie. ya....

"thankful that i can still breathe"

...dejavu...

i dont know how to rate the campfire this year. is it a successful one? i no longer feel as much for campfires as before when i was still a guide in RV. it starts to make me wonder if i am getting too old for these campfires. i dont jump as much as before. i dont scream at the top of my voice just to win the best supporting troop anymore. i will just stand and observe. things will change.

dejavu is the theme for the campfire this year. basically, it means having the feeling that you have experienced it before. indeed, the campfire did give me the feeling of dejavu because out of the 5 items for the campfire, 4 danced to the same song, superstar by jamelia. i agreed that the song is cool but it starts to bore people if they hear the same song over and over again within a few hours.

the gateway has showed significant improvements since their first trial a few months back. the structure looked more presentable and stable. as for fire, though they took a long time to finalize their proposal due to the many constraints set by the school, they managed to come up with a decent one. but i failed to catch the lighting of the fire at the start of the campfire. =( the backdrop is good. i like their idea of sewing the plastic sheet on the backdrop. the effect under the spotlight would be better if they used a bigger piece of plastic. programme was creative. they thought of many fresh ideas for the games, door gift and many many things. lastly, i-used-to-be-in-the-committee, souvenir rocks!! i am not being bias here but their souvenirs for the troops and VIPs were excellent. the dreamcatcher, the tripod and another one which i forgot. nevertheless, RV guides and scouts 2005 had done their best for this campfire. =)

one major event down and they have the upcoming annual camp and sec1 orientation to be busy with. let's hope they will do even better for the other events and future campfires.

"back to before?"

...dont frown..

to be hurt

to feel lost

to be left out in the dark

to be kicked when you're down

to feel like you've been pushed around

to be on the edgeof breaking down

and no one's there to save you

it's normal to feel like trash when things are getting in your way. it's normal to vent your anger on something or someone when you cannot get what you want. it's normal to throw your temper if it makes you feel better. it's okay to ask for help. it's okay to stop, take a break and start work again.

"a ring that cannot be worn is the lord of the ring"

...blues...

i am eighteen and almost a day old

not excited

suffering from weekday blues

nose is giving me problems again

i dont want to fall sick during cny

many friends have fallen ill one by one

drink more water

take care and rest well

work is piling up

no motivation to do

endure for one more week

=(

"take a step back to think"